Dear Internet;

I'm the internet sidekick of my real life BF. Huzzah! It's probably way more fun than it should be. My parents certainly can't understand why I'm so keen about it, but to paraphrase the immortal words of Will Smith—have parents EVER understood their offspring?

However—there's one aspect people are still having a little problem with. I've been ignoring it up til now because, eh, haters gonna hate, but a recent comment proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

...except it was more of a beleaguered 'Oh, fuck me, this shit still? That is IT" sort of breaking, but you get the drift.

I've already left a version of this response in the BFF video comment section, but decided to post a slighter longer and open declaration here for anyone else this may apply too, using the original comment not as a "HRUH HRUH COMMENT" (which is not my intention), but as a bullet list for organizing my thoughts in this matter. And while I should just ignore it (because, you know, haters gonna hate and all; and as fandomwank has proven no good will probably come of responding) I can't. I can ignore a plethora of barbs and shots taken at myself, but when someone starts talking shit about my friends because of something I'VE done, I get twitchy. If a joke sucks balls, I can remember that for the next time. If my acting is shit—well, I'm trying, damnit, but I'm an anthropologist, NOT an actress! But if people go around calling my friend a bitch because of shit I've written in the name of satire—then w'oh. W'oh. Sit around the campfire my pretties cause we're going to hash this out.

So I'm going to lay it out here and now in the hopes ya'll will either understand the workings of the Lindsay/Nella hive mind, or you'll cut ties with the both of us—a regrettable action, but the best course if we are indeed so distasteful.

The sketches in question are the Make-Over Fairy subplot of the Grease review, and the Thanks for the Feedback which addressing concerns about my emotional wellbeing as BFF Nella I am particularly Butt-Monkey-esque in these two.

The comment in question: )

I'm not going to take this monster of a comment full-on because 1) I'm writing this at work on my lunch break *peers over shoulder nervously regardless* 2) I'm not even ANGRY, I'm just….sigh. and 3) I never wrote a thesis in college and I have no intention of writing one now.

SO! The fast and dirty response:

1) "…other people and I found your treatment of Nella unfunny"

Ok, unfortunately, can't help you there. What we find HIGH-LARIOUS obviously is not for all. As I wrote both the Make Over Fairy and BFF sketches in question, mea culpa.

2) "…and at the same time a little damaging her psyche…"

Here, however, I've going to have to take SOME offense at this. I've survived early puberty, a plethora of inane crushes, my first boyfriend, college, the real world AFTER college, AND the trials and tribulations of the internet (and since the tender age of 14!)—my psyche is a little worn from ill-use, mayhaps, but is QUITE fine.

Though I thank you for your concern, kindly do not assume you know what is damaging to me. I know that far too well, and satirizing how society tends to treat and view people like me is NOT it.

3) "If she insists she was fine with it, so be it, but even if she wrote and directed the entire thing and forced everyone else to say those things about her it was still agonizing to watch."

Yes. I did force them. At gun point, in fact. I then laughed manically about it as I stroked my fat orange tabby cat, Piper

…wait, seriously?

Ok, ok, I do apologize for this. I understand a lot of the jokes we make about me (and about anyone in our merry little troupe of NChick personalities) would be seen as crushing for a lot of people, man or woman regardless.

I'm sorry if what I wrote caused anyone distress. I'm sorry if watching me be the butt of a joke (whether it was a good or bad joke I leave to personal interpretation) was agonizing for some. I'm serious about this. We all carry baggage that the world and our fellow humans laden us with. This is my way of gleefully dumping my load. I'm not going to stop poking fun at old wounds any time soon—but if it did cause you pain, I am sorry. Consider this an open and sincere warning—it's only going to continue, probably for as long as I live, and for as long as people are asshats towards other people. Consider me your mirror, folks—and I'm NOT the breaking kind.

I mean…do you really think I would jump in head first into Lindsay's reviews/sketches if I didn't back them 100%? Now THAT'S a depressing and rather insulting thought; that you, gentle commenter, would have such a low opinion about ME. That you think I would, in real life, be such a sheep to the whims and wiles of my long-time real life friend.

4) "To [Nella] I say don't make the audience feel sorry for you because that's simply poor stage presence, and to you Lindsay, please just once try to handle your viewers' concern without making such an asinine response."

I abhor pity. I adore laughter. Everything I do is for a laugh. Ask my 5th grade classmates about "Man Walking An Invisible Hyperactive Monster Dog", if you must. You could even ask my 5th grade teacher about that one, as she DID walk in JUST as I was being "pulled" by the dog's leash.

If you think I'm fishing for pity, then I'm doing it wrong. I need to go back to the Mad Sidekick Laboratory and fiddle with things. Maybe a sight less Abbott and Costello, a pinch more…er…eh, I'll think of something.

5) "Simply responding with sarcasm instead of seriously addressing the concern
doesn't make it go away."

No, it doesn't, but it DOES lay out the fact that, dude, it was NEVER a serious concern to begin with. Not for us, at least.

Besides, we had been looking for an opportunity to use the ”BFF, Inc" footage since last summer—the time was NIGH.

6) " It's like if I walked up to George W. Bush and said "Hey you're not very
smart" and he turned red in the face, bellowed an obviously forced laughter,
DERP DERP YOU KNOW ME" while hitting his own head with a frying pan. Yes, we
would all know he was being sarcasti, but it wouldn't change anything or make my
comment incorrect."

I was going to make a comment about how self-revelation is a wonderful thing and a necessary step in the Buddhist tradition, but *DODGES TOMATOES AND OTHER ASSORTED ROTTEN FRUIT AND VEGGIES*



And that's about all I can answer for myself, as I try not to be in the habit of answering for other people. The bottom line is if any one has a problem with the Make-Over Fairy or the TFTF: BFF sketches, then the blame is on me just as much as it would be on Lindsay. I wrote most of the damn things. I insisted on 'BFF' standing for "Big Fat Friend" over the traditional "Best Friend Forever" because my favorite gag is when something is topsy turvy of what the audience wanted/expected.

Also, I'm really fond of Steven Lynch songs, and I thought it would be fun to turn the 'Big Fat Friend' song on its head.

Ah well. Them's my two cents. Take them, and know me better, man.

This is BFF Nella, Out.

(Now, excuse me, I need to go back to work.)

If you've never watched "The Madness of King George", I highly recommend it. It's an absolutely smashing movie which takes place in a historical period I've always been fond of about a king I find rather fascinating.


Not 13 minutes into this movie, and I both had already fallen in loved AND was writhing in pain on the floor to my roommate's great amusement.

Now, there's a whole lot of historical inaccuracy I can overlook for the sake of plot, or for staging ease, or just because the director says "fuck all, it'll look cooler this way"*. I myself like it when things look cooler. The point is I CAN take historical inaccuracy with a grain of salt, because it's a MOVIE. It's FICTION (even when they are "Based on true events"). The point is to tell a story and that's THAT.

But nothing makes my jaw drop faster, my eyes roll backwards and foam start to come from my mouth than historical inaccuracy due to SHEER LAZINESS.

I know this is a very petty thing to get hung up on, but for ME to notice it within the 1.2 seconds it on the screen makes it a GLARING act of LAZINESS, so much so that I must take issue.

I ask you my friends. For a movie taking place in 1789, what is wrong with this globe that King George is pointing too?

I'll give you a hint. Jefferson wasn't President yet. And John Quincy Adams wasn't busting Spanish balls for land yet. Oh, and Daniel Webster wasn't busting Canadian balls for land yet as well. Oh hell, just scroll down and I'll give you a brief history of American ball-busting for land pre-1850.

Oh god! Oh god the humanity HISTORICAL INACCURACY!!!

Here's a brief review over why this map made my jaw drop (i.e. all the things that are on this globe that most definitely weren't there in 1789):

1) Louisiana Purchase, 1803: We all (mostly) know this one. Napoleon--having realized that creating an empire takes a lot of moolah, and having failed to re-enslave the newly independent Haitians (aw, SHUCKS /sarcasm)--decides to sell the Louisiana Territory ('tehrritorie', if you are saying it in an OUTRAGEOUS French accent). Jefferson hits that like the first of an angry god with a cool $11+ million, PLUS the cancellation of some $3.75 million of debt. Which, THINK ABOUT IT: Alexander Hamilton managed—through the consolidation of individual states' war debts into a national debt, the creation of a Federally-control National Bank (with a big FUCK YOU to Jefferson while doing so), and by pushing for a pro-Federal interpretation of the Constitution (again, another fuck you to Jefferson)—managed to make the American market legit enough by 1804 that France was hitting the U.S. up for cash, cash we could give them. EVEN THOUGH America had suffered CRIPPLING DEBT due to that whole 'War for Independence' thing almost 20 years before.

...Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Alexander Hamilton?

Anyway, Jefferson, in his usual move of saying one thing and doing the exact opposite in real life, takes that money and COMPLETELY oversteps the Constitutional limitations of his presidential powers to authorize buying the whole kit and caboodle.

Proof, of course, that Jefferson always WINS, even when by his own philosophy, he shouldn't.


2) Adams-Onis Treaty, 1819: This treaty, signed in 1819, was the diplomatic equivalent of John Quincy Adams** sitting on top of the Spanish foreign minister Luis de Onis and threatening him with a wet willy and a sound pounding unless he cried "UNCLE!! UNCLE!!! FLORIDA IS YOURS!! EVERYTHING ABOVE THE 42 PARELLEL AND TO THE PACIFIC IS YOURS!! THE RIVERS ARE YOURS!! JUST LET ME GO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

Needless to say, John Quincy Adams (and a lot of historians afterwards) considered this act of diplomatic bullying his single greatest contribution to American diplomacy.

3) Treaty of 1819: 1819 was a good year for American land grabbing. Not only did we wrestle the Spanish government into submission, but we got our 49th parallel border between us and Canada ok'ed by the British government. However, this line wouldn't be really set in stone until the Oregon Treaty of 1846 and the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1849. Which leads me to my LAST point…

4) The Webster-Ashburton Treaty, 1849: This mother fucking treaty wasn't signing until 1849! And yet there's Maine in all of it's glory on Georgie's globe!



This treaty was a sneaky, sneaky back handed win on Webster's part, which cemented the border between Maine and Brunswick, as well as cemented the eastern border between America and Canada at the 49th parallel, and extended that border to the Rockies. Also—as I recall from my high school history textbook—the only reason we have all of what we have of Maine is because Webster's ace-in-the-hole was "Franklin's map"; a map SUPPOSEDLY draw by Ben Franklin which proved that America had owned and therefore STILL owned more of Maine than Brunswick would have liked.

Conclusion? American: 1. Canda: PWNED!1!1!!!

So, just to recap...


I know what you're thinking; "my God, Nella, don't you have anything BETTER to do?" But COME ON. This movie takes place RIGHT AFTER the American Revolution had been won (…make that lost, as this is a movie about King George). You don't go out of your way to draw attention to King George's anger and disappointment over losing the colonies and then bullshit with a globe laying out 1850-ish American geography!


And the Footnotes of my short rant…er…treatise…
*See Ridley Scott's Gladiator for an example of this.

** The then Secretary of State who would later be forced, while PRESIDENT, into giving an interview to a female journalist because he had a habit of skinny dipping in the Potomac that she found out about, and exploited to her journalistic advantage. HELLO WHY HAS NO ONE MADE A SKETCH ABOUT THIS?!?!?! Or, if someone has, WHY has it not been brought to my attention yet!
agentanachronism: by sobata (God DAMNIT England)
( Jun. 2nd, 2009 11:12 am)
England, I love you. You know this. I love you like the older, quirky half brother I might actually have (ah, the joys of being adopted). Your history, culture, patterns of speech, comedic turns, good times and bad amuse me greatly. You know that, push come to shove, I'd help John Adams drop kick Thomas Jefferson in the face if I could for saying France was better than you. And I know you're a nanny state, and your royal family is silly, and you're neck in neck with America for the title of "White Trashiest Country in the World", but your flaws...well, they've always been part of your charms.

But Good God, England, this is going too far.

England, you need another Chesterton and a good smack upside the head. Now, I know I could never hope to fill the intellectual shoes of that man, but don't make me come over there with a couple of friends and A Flying Inn.

I mean, my brother and I had HIGH HOPES--mainly involving you, us, a whirlwind run around Cornwall and a pub crawl throughout your land. My brother and I HAD A TOUCHING, BROTHER/SISTER BONDING MOMENT over this. DON'T DO THIS TO ME, ENGLAND.